Friday, July 12, 2013

Go Home Blog, You’re Drunk!

I have been sober for 4 years, 5 months, 20 days...

I do not have, nor have I ever had an alcohol problem.  They say, admitting it, is the first step to recovery, but I really do not have a problem.  I don't drink - like almost never, ever, ever.

While growing up, I never gave into peer pressure.  I didn't want to do anything that requires me to eventually acquire a taste for it.  This is why I am hooked on sex, chocolate & anything sweet...but I still don't drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, do any drugs, and never really got drunk.

Well - oh - OK, there have been a few times that I got somewhat wasted.

During our Christmas episode on my old TV show, I drank a wee-bit...but that was purely for entertainment purposes.  (I will do much more on TV than I would ever dream of doing in real life).

A good friend of mine was not there for this historic TV moment.  Even though she did see this episode, she still wanted to see me drunk in real life.  So, I came up with the brilliant idea of taking her to my company Holiday party at the Hard Rock Cafe.  No better time to get drunk, then with co-workers and authority figures.

An unnamed female friend with a GREAT sense of humor
She is a regular boozer (casual alcoholic), as I once bought her a bottle of Chambord Black Raspberry Liqueur and she immediately took it and poured on her pancakes for breakfast.  So drinking is one of her things.  (I would be so dead right now, if she was sober enough to know that I blogged).

We started off with Sex On The Beach, and after a second round, we decided to start drinking.  (HELLO!?!)  We tried several mixed drinks, but even though she was starting to feel the room spin, nothing seem to even get me even tipsy.

So she decided to crank it up to double shot of tequila...TWICE!   Yup, that did it.  I really felt it.

I learned a few things that night, not being a big part of this world, she introduced me to the date rape drug...No she didn't roofie me.  She had me hold her drink while she went to the restroom...or bathroom, or washroom...I am not sure what is proper let's say the ladies room.  Anyway, she told me that you never put down your drink or leave it unattended, or someone could drop something in it.  Look, I know that I am naive about drugs, and I know that these pills exist, but how sad do you have to be to use them in order to get sex.

So, I roofied myself, hoping some hot gal would take advantage of me...  (Hold for laughter...That is YOUR cue to laugh...Hmmm...Moving on.)

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one.
I also learned that when your boss arrives to the party and you, yourself, are totally blitzed, that this IS the perfect time to approach him for a conversation about, well, anything.  I remember turning to my friend and saying, "Hey, that's my boss!  I'm going to talk to him.  Come with me."  She said, don't, or stop, or something that I am sure she thought was going to discourage me from going over by my boss, but was too drunk to pay attention to her AND not fall down the flight of stairs that I was going down.

For the record, I just introduced my friend to my boss, we talked about a music test that he just did for another radio station that he was in-charge of, and I did everything to not slur or sound stupid while talking to my boss.

My friend was right, this was a bad idea.

We immediately left and I went back to her place. I often stayed over at her place, and for the record, we're totally platonic friends.

By downing different types of drinks, and since I didn't build a base by eating much beforehand, I got pretty sick.  Once we got to her place, I puked as soon as I jumped out of the cab.  Luckily she got out on the other side.  I then puked behind her, over the porch rail while she unlocked the front door.  Then she gave me a burrito and put me in her guest bed.

The next morning, she told me "I had fun!  You're a funny drunk!"  I now have that under my bio on LinkedIn!

My friend sucking on the cinnamon stick while the straw was sticking out of the skull's nose.
Cinnamon is something difficult to say when drunk. 
A month later, we went to Trader Vic's, to once again drink to get drunk.  This time, I was not going to have different mix drinks.  I stuck with one exotic drink, just not sure which one.  The good news, afterwards, I didn't puke.

That was the last time that I got drunk.  Soon, I will be 5 years sober, but I don't have a drinking problem.  I can un-quit anytime.

And for the record... female friend is NOT Alyssa Milano.

Hangover Bikini Recovery: 

Tony Lossano, Broadcast Producer (TV & Radio, Chicago), amateur bicyclist, a fantastic dog walker, and has never been married to Alyssa Milano.

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