My Conversation With An Alien!

Recently, I had a chance to chat with an alien from another world.  I could not tell if he was a she or if she was a he, but whatever it was, it spoke perfect English.

This is my own artistic rendition of the alien!

Here is how the conversation went:

TONY:
So, you are an alien, but you are not working in a kitchen somewhere? 

ALIEN:
That seems to be in bad taste and not all that funny. 

TONY:
Ah, yeah, I get that a lot.  Let's just start again.  So, you are an alien, what brings you to these parts? 

ALIEN:
I am exploring your world, trying to understand more about you humans. 

TONY:
Am I your first contact? 

ALIEN:
You are the first that I have not exterminated, which I guess means, yes, you are the first contact for me. 

TONY:
Cool.  Well, what do you want to learn about us? 

ALIEN:
I am baffled by the female species.  I have watched them for a long time and can not figure them out. 

TONY:
Stand in line.  Um, what exactly are you not sure about when it comes to the ladies?

I forgot to take a photo with the alien, so instead, here I am with some females

ALIEN: 
This group spends a lot of time on hair.  They start off by shampooing, conditioning, brushing, coloring, teasing, curling if it is already straight, straightening if it is naturally curled, etc..  Plus there are the weaves, extensions, wigs... 

TONY: 
Yup. 

ALIEN: 
Yet, this same very hair-worshiping group, then removes any hair from the rest of their body, legs, face, underarms, bikini areas, and even the eyebrows, and some of them, then turn around and just draw back on their eyebrows. 

TONY:
Yup.

ALIEN:
Well, If that wasn't enough, they put on make-up on their faces, nylons on their legs, implants in their breasts.  

TONY:
You sound like that you have been watching while hiding in their closet, which could land you in jail.  Just saying.

ALIEN:
They like to put stuff on them to make them smell like flowers or strawberries.  Then they wear high heels to help improve the look of their posture, but that also eventually ruins their feet for when they get old.  They wear bras to reduce eventual sagging...OK, that one makes sense.

TONY:
So far, I think that you got it, but what is your point?

eHarmony rejected this pic as my profile pic.

ALIEN:
Well, I have observed that the reason why the females do this, is  really to just compete with other females.  

TONY:
Well, I do kinda want to believe that they are doing it to attract a male mate.

ALIEN:
Yes, but as much as the males like this stuff, they would still be attracted to females, regardless of what they do to themselves.  Am I correct?

TONY:
Yeah, pretty much.

ALIEN:
Plus, I have noticed that the female need for male attention, is not that important.

TONY:
No, that's not true.  They just don't have to work as hard to get our attention as we do to get their attention.

ALIEN:
...and how long do you take to get yourself ready in the morning?

TONY:
Touché.

My conversation with the alien ended, after I exterminated it, when it mocked my blog about me dating.

 Tony Lossano, Broadcast Producer (TV & Radio, Chicago), amateur bicyclist, a fantastic dog walker, and has never been married to Alyssa Milano.